Teaching Social Skills
To Kids Who Don't Yet Have Them

Do any of these comments sound familiar?

"I tell him to stop doing that, but he keeps on doing it.  Darn. This kid must have been raised by wolves!"

"That kid knows how she is supposed to behave.  She CHOOSES to misbehave."

"I ask him what he is supposed to be doing and he can tell me.  He knows better, so why isn't he doing it?"
 
 

   Yep. Some kids know (intellectually) what to do, but they've never (physically) done it before.  It's difficult for all of us to all-of-the-sudden display a completely different behavior than we've been showing for years.  Changing a habit is no easy task.  To get an idea of what it's like, try this activity:

Do now activity (YES!...right now.)
    Cross your arms on your chest.  Notice how one arm goes over the other with it's hand tucked under it's biceps (upper arm).  At the same time, the hand of the lower arm has it's hand resting on top of the biceps of the other limb.  OK, now unfold your arms and switch their positions so that the one that was on the bottom is now on the top (and vice versa).  All right.  It took you awhile, but you were able to do it.  Feel a bit uncomfortable and odd?  Now, uncross the arms and fold them again in the new way.  Again.   And again.  In fact, for the rest of your life, do it this new way.  Don't ever make a mistake or revert to the old way.
 

    Think that'll be difficult?   Yep.    Now imagine what we are asking our socially unskilled kids to do.  We're expecting them to immediately change a behavior that is indelibly etched into their brains, feels "comfortable", and has been "assigned" to them by others who have labeled them as the type of person who "does that thing".  Kids who display the wrong behaviors as they interact with others will have a long and arduous path to travel as they work to change to "a better way".   Thank goodness they have a patient and supportive teacher like you.  You'll support them as they struggle to show the new behavior.  You'll focus on progress rather than perfection, seeing evidence of the new rather than vestiges of the old.
 

Why Don't Our Kids Have Social Skills?
Social skills are those communication, problem-solving, decision making, self-management, and peer relations abilities that allow one to initiate, build, and maintain positive social relationships with others.  Deficits or excesses in social behavior interfere with learning, teaching, and the classroom's orchestration and climate.  One's social competence is linked to peer acceptance, teacher acceptance, success of inclusion efforts with students with disabilities, and post school success.

____________________________

Deficits in social skills can be viewed as mistakes in learning.  Arnold Golstein, a renowned expert in the teaching of social skills to students with behavior disorders and challenges believes that there are four primary reasons that explain why students are socially unskilled:

(1) They don't know another way to (re)act other than their present pattern of behavior.  Many of our youngsters never learned "appropriate behavior" for social settings (situations in which they must interact/cope with others).  Perhaps they did not receive this guidance in the home (either because of lack of training by elders or another system of values & behaviors being taught).  Perhaps they did have good role models in the home and neighborhood who promoted "appropriate" behavior, but didn't notice and emulate them as well as other kids (just like some kids learn to read without formal instruction previous to school, and some need the structured process of reading instruction).

(2) They know (cognitively) other ways to behave, but haven't had enough practice to display them competently.  Many of my former students could tell me (after the fact) what they SHOULD have done.  Those failures to display the behaviors that were being promoted in my self-contained classroom of students with behavior disorders pointed to the need to more and varied practice in their use.

(3) They tried another way, but it didn't work for them the first time(s) they tried it, so they assume that it would never work.  They return to the previous action pattern.   This explanation applied to me in a certain setting when I was a younger man.  One night, a female friend of mine joined me in a gathering spot for young singles (The "Philosophers Bar"...It's motto: "I think.  Therefore I drink.".  She saw me using various "pick up lines" to meet women.  She told me that if I really wanted to make a positive impression on a woman, that I should "compliment something she's wearing", "make introductions", and "just be yourself".  I tried this approach a few times and failed miserably.  I quickly returned to the quirkly comments that were so solidly embedded in my repetoire.  I learned an important lesson that night... Never be myself!  No, No ...What I mean is that I needed to be persistent until I experienced success.

(4) Tension and anxiety interefere with the ability to perform the practiced behavior well.  I can also apply this explanation to a personal situation.  I'm an avid white water kayaker (one who paddles a small boat down raging river rapids and over small water falls while dodging rocks).  I paddle "class 3" rivers (of 5 and 1/2 levels of difficulty).  If I flip over, I'm able to do an "Eskimo roll" to right my craft and keep paddling.  A friend decided that it was time for me to paddle a "class 4" river.  I paddled furiously and anxiously down the rock strewn, hellacious malstrom of two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen, forgetting my usual relaxed paddling style.  I went over one 7 foot waterfall into the jaws of hell, was flipped, and found myself repeated banged on my helmeted head while I tried, poorly, to right myself.  The hard beating while being twisted and twirled in that furious water discombobulated me.  I was unable to accomplish my usual Eskimo roll, and out-of-breath exited my boat in panic to take a long swim down more bumpy rapids.  Bruised, battered, and coughing up much of the river from my lungs, I dragged myself up on shore.  My never-fail roll had failed due to panic.  Soon though, with specialized practice on lesser rivers and in certain spots on that class 4 river, my skills became useful there.  I now enjoy class 4 rivers.

So...Ask: Is it a skill deficit (the student cannot tell you the correct response for a social situation and the actions are not in the student's behavior repetoire) or a performance deficit (behavior is known, can be identified by the student when questioned, and has been practiced, but is displayed only during the role play situations).  A skill deficit usually responds to direct instruction of skills.  A performance deficit usually requires a quarantee that demonstration of the new behavior will bring at least the same amount of benefits as the present (inappropriate) behavioral response.

_______________________________________________ 

    Displaying poor social skills is likely to get one rejected by others (other kids don't like them and won't associate with them).  Others of our kids work hard to show the new and better behaviors they've been told to show but are still rejected by others (perhaps due to past reputation or maybe because others don't like the awkward and unsure demonstration of the newly learned behaviors which don't appear "natural").  At other times, our pupils may still fail because they have difficulty monitoring and controlling their behavior when unexpected reactions occur.  They misread social cues given off by others (examples: 1. Not noticing the rejection actions by others that non-verbally/verbally say "Get lost."  2. Viewing the positive social forays of others as being threatening).  If rejected because of their behavior (past or present), they'll rarely (if ever) get the chance to display the "correct" behaviors under naturalistic circumstances and fail to incorporate them into their behavioral repertoire.

    Others of our kids will not respond positively to social skills instruction because they don't see the skills as being necessary/useful (example: 1. assisting the teacher, 2. avoiding conflict with adults, 3. disagreeing in an non-confrontational manner).  The behaviors they display now seem just fine to them.  They obtain the attention, objects or power they seek.
 
 

A Note to Teachers of Students with Emotional & Behavioral Disorders (EBD)
    If you are a teacher of students with behavior disorders, are you teaching social skills to your students?  Are you doing so in structured daily lessons?  If not, why not?  The defining characteristic of kids with EBD is their inability to build and sustain positive relationships.  Kids with EBD are 3 times more likely than general ed kids to be rejected because of their behavior.  It's time to use more than point systems to "manage" the behavior of these pupils.  We need more than "The curriculum of control".  We must teach the skills we wish to see displayed by our behaviorally challenged students.
 
 

What Exactly Is Social Skills Training?
    If our kids don't have 'em, we've got to teach 'em.  "Social skills training" is a general term for instruction conducted in (behavioral) areas that promotes more productive/positive interaction with others.  We teach social skills to students who are (at present) socially unskilled in order to promote acceptance by teachers (and other adults) and peers.  A social skills training program might include (among other things):

1. "Manners" & positive interaction with others
   -approaching others in social acceptable ways  
    -how to asking for permission rather than acting impulsively
    -how to make and keep friends
    -sharing toys/materials

2. Appropriate classroom behavior
     -work habits/academic survival skills
        -listening
        -attending to task
        -following directions
        -seeking attention properly
        -accepting the consequences of one's behavior

3. Better ways to handle frustration/anger
        -counting to 10 before reacting
        -distracting oneself to a pleasurable task
        -learning an internal dialog to cool oneself down and reflect upon the best course of action  
4. Acceptable ways to resolve conflict with others
        -using words instead of physical contact
        -seeking the assistance of the teacher or conflict resolution team
 
 

Examples of Social Skills for Pre-Schoolers

1. Skills that will help in later instruction (example: listening skills)

2. Skills that enhance success in school/daycare settings (example: asking a question)

3. How to make and keep friends (examples: asking for something, asking others to play)

4. Feelings:
    -awareness of own and other's feelings (Called "Theory of mind"...being able to predict how
                others might feel in a situation, understanding that others might not feel as you do)
    -coping with negative feelings

5. Positive, non-aggressive choices when faced with conflict

6. Dealing with stress:
   -what to do when you make mistakes
    -handling teasing and taunting
 
 
 

Social Skills Terms/Definitions:
Socially Skilled: the ability to respond to a given environment in a manner that produces, maintains, and enhances positive interpersonal (between people) effects.

Social competence: one's overall social functioning ... a composite or multitude of generalized social skills. (Social competence can be improved by teaching social behaviors/social skills)
 
 

    Essentially, we teach new or replacement social skills like we teach academics; directly and actively.  The steps are the same: Assess the level of the students, prepare the materials, introduce the material, model it, have them practice it, and provide feedback.  If you purchase a social skills curriculum (see the listing at the bottom of this page), it will probably include an assessment device, lessons, and activities.  Teaching is a matter of following the directions in the kit.  If you're on your own in developing a curriculum and devising lessons, here are the specifics:

Pre-teaching
• Select the students who need training in certain skills (via assessment)

• Identify powerful reinforcers that will motivate the students to attend to lessons and attempt new behaviors. (examples: group and/or individual points, raffle tickets, progressively moving a paper dog along the wall toward a food bowl which earns a reward)

• Identify and specifically define the target behaviors to be taught.  Decide which behaviors are needed.  Define them precisely so that everyone agrees on what is to be accomplished (...what the student will be able to do/show after instruction).

• Task analyze the target behavior(s) (if this listing of sequenced actions is not done for you by a packaged program.  If you are unfamiliar with task analysis, read the link on the home page)
 

Teaching social skills
-Create groups of 3-5 youngsters with similar skill deficits.  Small groups give students a chance to observe others, practice with peers, and receive feedback.

-Remove obstacles to learning (examples: close class door, remove corrections officers)

-Meet early in the day so that kids are attentive and have the whole day to practice what they learn in your lesson.

-Introduce the program, it's content, and why and how it will benefit them (examples: will help them to return to general education classes, help them obtain and keep a job, result in less trouble with teachers/parents, impress their boyfriend's/girlfriend's parents when they meet them, be able to convince the police to let them go when stopped).

-Set up the rules and regulations (Identify the behaviors you'll reward during lessons...one person speaks at a time, pay attention, be positive...all of which may need to be taught in the initial lessons)

-Teach the easy-to-learn skills first to ensure student (and teacher) success and reinforcement.  Use the traditional teaching model of:
    -Tell them
    -Show them
    -Provide "Guided practice", meaning:

         With the steps provided on a handout, have them
            -discuss when the behavior could be used
            -role play it (at least two different scenarios with right & wrong behaviors shown). 
        Provide feedback (with lots of encouragement and specific praise)
            -from oneself
            -from peers
            -from the teacher 
   

-Practice, practice, practice through homework assignments, review sessions, assignment to real life settings, and surprise "tests" (example: Your student has been learning to handle interactions with authority figures...Send the student on an errand and have an unknown teacher confront him/her, accusing the pupil of "forging" a hall pass.  If the student performs poorly...runs, is rude, etc...the teacher says "This is a test.  How did you do?") 

 Given that the behavior of group leaders is emulated by their followers, teach to the high status kids in your group first.  Have them demonstrate the new behaviors and be seen being rewarded.  Have your lower status kids demonstrate the behaviors after the leaders do so.  Make sure the lessons are interesting and fun so that kids look forward to the lessons (For example, start the teaching of "following directions" by having them cook/make candy or do magic tricks.  Then move to more school-based examples).

-Promote generalization to different settings/circumstances by: 
   -practicing in different settings and under various conditions
    -prompting and coaching the student in naturally occurring situations throughout the day 
    -having the student submit self-report forms for each class period
    -meeting with the student to discuss performance throughout the school/life.

-Monitor the behavior outside of the lessons.  Keep track of the display of the behavior for IEP documentation, motivation of the student, etc.  Have the student self-monitor/self-assess in order to build internal motivation/control.

-Adjust and enhance the skills as necessary.

-Recognize and reward it's display in everyday school situations.  When you see a good situation for a student to display a "new" behavior, prompt it's use with cues and hints (as subtle as possible, but as strong as necessary).

SUMMARY

We want to strive for the lofty goal of all of our students interacting positively with others - particularly us!  In order to promote more socially skilled and appropriate actions among our pupils, we must move beyond simply telling them to stop what they are doing wrong.  While we might tell them which behaviors to avoid, we then need to teach them what they should be doing in those situations.

Sometimes, the process involves pre-teaching, in which we work to prepare a pupil for the change process through a discussion of the drawbacks of displaying the present inappropriate behavior (e.g., rejection by peers, penalties from school administration), and the benefits of adopting a particular replacement for it.

Humans show specific behaviors because there is a benefit to doing so.  In order to fully convince the student to change his or her ways, the benefits of the new actions must outweigh those of continuing the old patterns of behavior.  The new ways must also be viewed by schoolmates as being acceptable.  Often, packaged social skills programs promote social actions that, while esteemed by adults, would never be shown by any socially accepted kids in the mainstream.  In that case, becoming skilled in the new behavior does little to promote acceptance and positive interactions. 

As with the teaching of academics, begin with the prerequisite skills and then move on to the more advanced ones.  Your curriculum will be comprised of the skills that are most important to classroom decorum and your students’ social needs.

While the teaching of social skills consumes time during the school day, over the weeks and months we gain back lost academic instructional time as our students display more acceptable behavior.  Our school life becomes easier and more rewarding.  The same applies to the school-based and outside lives of our students.

Activities

1. Look at this list of commonly needed social skills.  Think of students you know who would most benefit from instruction in each one. (You could use this list as your assessment device and assign students to groups by skills)
-Saying please and thank you
-Dealing better with anger and frustration
-Asking questions appropriately
-Accepting the consequences administered by the teacher
-Accepting responsibility for one's own (mis)behavior
-Dealing with losing/frustration/making mistake/insults in an appropriate manner (without yelling or physical aggression)
-Initiating a conversation with others 
 
-Accepting "No" for an answer
-Joining a group activity already in progress
-Following directions
-Making friends
-Compliments others
-Understanding the feelings of others (and accepting them as valid/OK)
-Compromising on issues
-Cooperating with peers
-Coping with taunts and verbal/physical threats/aggression from others
-Seeking attention in an appropriate manner
-Waiting one's turn
 

2. Behaviorally/specifically define the following behaviors that you might decide to teach (see the home page link on "behavioral recording" if you are unclear on this procedure)
-Asking permission
-Avoiding fighting with others
-Interrupting others appropriately
-Showing sports(wo)manship
Click here to read possible definitions (but try to define the behaviors first...no cheating!)
 

3. Task analyze the following behaviors (Delineate, in order...if there is an order...the sub-behaviors that must be displayed in order to accurately show the desired behavior tht you have identified and defined)
(See the home page link on "task analysis" if you are unclear on how to conduct this procedure)
-Listening
-Following Directions
-Respecting the opinions of others
-Accepting praise from others
-Apologizing for wrong doing
-Greeting others
    -familiar/family/friends
    -unfamiliar
        -adult
        -peers
            -same gender
            -different gender
            -younger
Click here to read possible task analyses of each behavior (C'mon...try it first)
 
 

4.  A student displays social skills that appropriate in his/her cultural group, but are not desirable in the mainstream North American culture (e.g., lowering one's eyes when spoken to by an adult, physically fighting when mother's honor is insulted by another).  Is it appropriate to teach the "right ways" (as viewed by school personnel)?  When, how and why would you do so?
 

5. Obtain a social skills curriculum.  Evaluate it using the following form:
 
 

Name of Curriculum:

Date & Publisher:

Designed for which ages/grades?

Designed for special education or general education kids?

If designed for general education students, could it be adapted for special education students?

    If so, what would need to be done to adapt the materials?
 

Does it have an assessment component to determine which skills need to be taught?

Does it have prepared lessons for each skill?
    -For how many skills (total)?
    -Are the skills task analyzed?
    -Is the instructional format same for all skills?

Are all necessary materials included?

Are sufficient practice activities provided?

Does the curriculum contain suggestions for ways to motivate the students?

Are there suggestions for adapting to individual student needs and strengths?

Are provisions made for the maintenance and generalization of behaviors?

Does it includes forms for:
    -Identification of students who would benefit from program
    -Lessons
    -Review of lessons
    -Reinforcement/Reward/Feedback
    -Assessment of mastery of skills
    -Monitoring/Documentation

Is the material appropriate for ages of the students who were identified?

Is the material appropriate for the stated objectives?

List the positive and negative points of this curriculum:
 
 

Give your overall evaluation of it's usefulness:
 

 

Click here to read about how one teacher used social skills lessons to teach a boy to be less rigid in his expectations

Click here to view lessons used to help a hyperactive 7 year old to listen to directions

 

Click here to read about a social skills unit to help first graders develop better peer interaction skills

Click here to view a instructional unit to teach social interaction skills to a boy with autism

Readings and Resources

H. Feng & G. Carledge (1996). Social skill assessment of inner city Asian, African, and European American students. School Psychology Review, volume 25, pages 227-238.

K. Melloy, Davis, Wehby, Murry & Leiber (1998). Developing social competence in children and youth with challenging behaviors.  Available through the web site of the Council for Children with Behavior Disorders.

R. Simpson, Smith-Myles, Sasso, & Kamps (1997). Social skills for students with autism. (2nd ed.) Available through the web site of the Council for Children with Behavior Disorders.
 
 

Videos & DVDs

"I finally found the time to watch the Model Me Kids DVDs and I'm glad that I did so. Model Me Kids videos provide a valuable resource for teaching children appropriate behaviors that will serve them well in school and other group situations. I can imagine teachers making use of these video vignettes as part of their planned social skills instruction, or in a spontaneous manner during a "teachable moment". Thanks for sharing them with me. I look forward to seeing the new one presently in development."
- Tom McIntyre ("Dr. Mac"), Professor and Coordinator of the Graduate Program in Behavior Disorders, Department of Special Education, Hunter College, NY & www.BehaviorAdvisor.com Webmaster

*Clicking on the image found above will take you to the www.ModelMeKids.com website where you can preview the videos and decide whether to purchase them.  Doing so (after clicking on the icon here) supports www.BehaviorAdvisor.com as a small percentage of the purchase price is returned to this site.  Dr. Mac has reviewed these tapes and used them in his training of teachers.  The consensus in his classes is that these tapes are valuable training tools to use with kids who need to improve in their social interaction skills.

Social Skills Curricula/Kits

*Clicking on the images of the books that you see below, will take you to Amazon.com where you can preview the texts and decide whether to purchase them.  These books can be purchased at any on-line book store, but buying them from Amazon.com (after clicking on the icon here) supports www.BehaviorAdvisor.com   A small percentage of the purchase price is returned to this site.

Dr. Mac's book for kids with behavior challenges.  It's the ONLY book written FOR kids.  Parents can read it along with their children.  Many teachers use it as their social skills curriculum (see the reviews by parents, teachers, kids, teachers, and professional organizations on the home page of this site).  Appropriate for kids 8 to 18.  Written on a fourth grade reading level (Just like this web site!  HA!)

Skillstreaming: Perhaps the most popular program for teaching social skills.

(for adolescents)

Boys Town Curriculum.  Available from www.girlsandboystown.org/btpress

J. Stanfield (1992). Be Cool.  Provides videos and activities for teaching elementary age students to cope with teasing, anger, criticism, and bullying.  Find more information at the James Stanfield Publishing Company web site.
 

 

(Please)Fetch Dr. Mac's Home Page

Author: Tom McIntyre at www.BehaviorAdvisor.com